


Perchance to Dance

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Holidays [19]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Bruce Wayne is Batman, Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Everything Going Wrong, F/M, Food Fight, Nightwing - Freeform, Non-abusive Joker and Harley relationship, Poison Ivy - Freeform, Valentine's Day, annoyed Harley, dinner and dancing, eventual smut cause of course, joker gas, murderous clowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:02:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker and Harley are trying to have a Valentine's Day date
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Gotham Holidays [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/603136
Comments: 22
Kudos: 52





	1. Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Damonicus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damonicus/gifts).



Bob gently pulled the curling iron down, releasing the curl that bounced back, a golden spiral curl. Harley grinned, looking at herself in Bob’s vanity mirror. She had her blonde hair partway up, held in place by a hair clip with a black and red playing cards, one with the four of hearts, the other with four black diamonds. The dress she had on was one that Bob had made for her just for tonight, for her special Valentine’s Day with her puddin. Colored red and black, the top was a halter top trimmed with white lace around the neckline and flowed down into a three tiered skirt that alternated between black and red and hung to just above her knees with the back of the dress having another skirt that she could remove. This one was long enough that it dragged the floor and had a large bow at the small of her back. The longer attached skirt was also done in three tiers and also alternating in black and red. She had on a pair of red and black leggings underneath along with a pair of ankle boots, one red, the other black, and a set of red and black opera gloves, the sort that went up past her elbows and halfway up to her shoulders. 

“You think Mistah J will like this?” Harley asked as she inspected herself in the mirror. She thought she looked as if she should be working in a salon with her hair curled and the style of the dress. She liked the look, smiling at herself in the mirror, the black lipstick on her lips complimenting the red sparkle eyeshadow on her eyes. 

Bob looked at her in the mirror while he placed a red bow in her hair, his eyes clearly communicating that he thought her worrying was silly. 

Harley frowned at him, then giggled. “Sorry.” 

Bob smiled at her and continued to make a few last minute touches on her hair before he stepped back, putting his fingers to his lips and making a kissing sound. 

Harley laughed. “Thank you Bob.” 

* 

Joker, dressed in his purple pinstripe pants, a dark green dress shirt, (the sleeves of which he had rolled up to the middle of his forearms), and a pair of his best dress shoes (his tie was draped across a chair), was working diligently in his lab. He had his purple lens goggles to protect his eyes and a pair of purple and green oven mitts on while he slowly poured the melted chocolate into diamond shaped molds. He had some sugar boiling on one of the Bunsen burners behind him, which he planned to turn into sugar sculpture flowers for Harley. He also had several balloons tied to a glass pitcher filled with his special laughing gas near the burner, a colorful display of red, purple, black, and green balloons, their signature colors. 

He planned to make this a special Valentine’s Day for Harley, their first since getting married. He had a dinner planned, a table for two, red table cloth, wine, all of which they were going to have on the roof of the hideout tonight. It was supposed to be a beautiful night; the moon was full and it would be a beautiful Gotham City night. (Bob had actually planned and cooked the dinner, but Joker had helped taste test everything Bob was cooking.) Along with the dinner, these handmade chocolates, the balloons, sugar roses, and a special gift, Joker also planned on some dancing. He had a portable record player that he was going to bring to play some music for what he considered to be the most important part of their celebration of love--the dancing. After which he hoped for some intense boinking. The boinking was pretty damn important too he thought with pleasure. 

Joker grinned at the thought of sex under the full moon with Harley, the moon’s light dancing on her pale skin, her lying naked on the mattress he had hauled up there just for tonight. Joker’s thoughts wandered to images of a naked Harley while he held the pan with the melted chocolate, carefully pouring it into the molds. He was so focused that he didn’t notice when the sugar he was melting behind him bubbled up, some of the hot sugar popping and going over the edge where it landed on the burner itself and caught fire. The small blaze burned bright, the sugar turning black. 

The sugar popped, a tiny flame leaped across the table where it landed by the pitch, a small, black burning fragment hit a bit of the string that was lying on the table. 

The string caught fire immediately, the tiny flame burning its way up the string to the balloons. 

The balloons exploded. 

Joker jumped, dropping the melted chocolate, which hit the mold. The mold flipped up, splattering him with more hot, melted chocolate at the same time he spun around to see the room filling with his bright green gas. That wasn’t really a problem, as he was immune to his own gas--and pretty much all gases and toxins--but behind him, the hot melted chocolate he had splattered hit one of the glass containers that held a special expanding gel, a new trick he was planning on using. The gel, which expanded when exposed to air, smelled like rotten eggs and produced intense vomiting as well as uncontrollable laughing. It was untested, not that Joker cared about testing his inventions before using that much, but he had no idea how intense a reaction would be. 

The hot, melted chocolate hit the glass, made it crack, and the crack allowed enough air in that the green goo inside reacted. 

* 

Joker came running out of his lab, his goggles on his forehead. “EVERYONE OUT!!” 

The smell of rotten eggs that followed him into the main living area of the hideout where the gang liked to hang was currently occupied by several members of his gang was intense, and the reaction was just as intense. Several members started to throw up, followed by laughter… 

Except for Archie who sat on the couch watching everyone else with a disappointed frown as he muttered. “Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.” 

Joker chuckled, pleased with the immediate response of the new substance, but… 

* 

Harley frowned wrinkling her nose and looking at Bob. “What’s that smell?” 

Bob frowned, sniffing the air before he motioned for Harley to stay where she was and he walked over to his door. He opened the door to his room only to have the stench waft in. 

Harley was on her feet, her hand over her nose and mouth. “What is that??!!” 

Bob stepped back as Joker popped his head in. “Sorry sweets--had a little bit of a lab accident. Why don’t you and Bob go out the back and wait outside. I’ll call Frost and we can pop over to the emergency apartment...you know the one with the water bed and I’ll uh...shower and change there.” 

Harley glared at him over her hand. “What did you do?!” 

Joker grinned at her and waved a hand at her before he disappeared. 

Harley narrowed her eyes after him and muttered. “I hate it when he does that.” 

* 

A few minutes later they were in Frost’s car. Frost was driving, his head nearly sticking out the window. 

Harley had made Joker sit in the front because he smelled like a sewer, forcing Frost to get the most intense amount of stink. They drove with all the windows down, but Harley was still sitting in the back, periodically spraying shots from a can of air freshener on Joker that Frost had in the glove compartment of his car. Joker was sitting with his arms crossed over his chest, his bottom lip sticking out looking annoyed, though he didn’t say a word as Harley sprayed him. 

Harley pinched her nose closed with one hand, glancing at Frost. 

“How much longer?” she asked in a snuffy voice. 

Frost, his head still out the window called out, the wind whipping his words away. “Another fifteen minutes Miss Quinn.” 

Harley groaned loudly and sprayed Joker again. “I’m still angry with you because you made more of that vomiting gas!!!” 

He swatted at the spray. “Harley stop it!” 

“I can’t believe you ruined Valentine’s Day.” Harley pouted spraying him again with Joker muttering. “Now I just smell like farts and pine! And I did not ruin Valentine’s Day! I was trying to make you some special chocolates and just…” He shrugged. “Who knew sugar could be that dangerous? Though I am going to have to remember that…” He smirked, tapping a finger against his chin. 

“Might have to come up with something to use burned sugar for…” 

Harley ignored him and sprayed him again. 

Joker yelped. 

* 

Sixteen minutes later Harley and Joker were in their small hideaway apartment. Joker was in the shower scrubbing himself clean, after pouting again when Harley refused to join him, telling him that she wasn’t going to get gussied up again and besides, he stank. She refused to even stay in the bathroom with him while Joker showered. 

She had thrown his clothing out into the hall where Bob had quickly bagged them to take care of later. Now Harley stood in front of the closet where Joker kept some extra clothing. She frowned, tapping her finger against her lips looking at the rainbow of colors before she finally pulled out a gold dress shirt with a crossover tie of a darker shade of gold and an emerald tie pin to hold it in place. She next pulled out a dark blue vest, a pair of burgundy-brown gloves and shoes, then the suit, she pulled out a pinstripe suit of a glossy reddish ginger color with dark orange pinstripes and a white scarf printed with fleur de lis. She also grabbed him a pair of green, heart printed boxers from a set of dresser drawers, and she found one of his gold and purple canes leaning in a corner. She even found a spare knife and gun along with a shoulder holster, which she made sure to load and set out on the bed. 

Harley laid the clothing out on the waterbed with a smile, pleased with her selection. After a few more minutes Joker came out of the shower, his green hair damp and a towel around his waist. 

“Okay, I smell better now.” He gave her a wide smile. “Wanna smell me?” 

Harley frowned at him. “I’ll be the judge of that, and yes.” 

She walked over to him and leaned forward, her nose inches from his chest and took a whiff, sniffing deeply. She smelled nothing but soap. She reached up and pulled his head down, sniffing his damp hair, then releasing him to step in closer and sniff his neck. 

Joker giggled, squirming a little. “You keep this up Harley, we won’t be leaving this room tonight.” 

She giggled softly stepping back. “Okay you smell good. I picked out your clothes for you.” 

Joker gasped. “You did pumpkin?” 

Harley nodded and pointed at the bed. “I hope you like what I put together for you puddin.” 

Joker walked over to inspect the outfit she had put together, his smile growing as he noted the pieces she had selected. 

He smiled, turning to look at her over his shoulder. “Harley, I love it. Jou did a fantastic job putting together an outfit my sweets.” 

Harley grinned with pleasure, wrinkling her nose at him. “Well, then you should get dressed so we can still have our Valentine’s date, though Bob says dinner is ruined.” 

Joker froze for a moment wondering how the large mute ballerine “said” anything before he continued. “Don’t worry sweets, we can grab some dinner somewhere else.” Joker smiled at her reaching out to cup her cheek. “We can still have a nice night together. There is no way my girl isn’t going to get her Valentine’s Day romantic evening.” 

Harley sighed, leaning into this touch. “Thanks puddin.” 

Joker winked at her before turning to his clothing. 

Joker dropped his towel, turning to wink at her as he stood there for a moment, completely naked. Harley licked her lips slowly, her eyes traveling down his body. She caught the tip of her tongue between her teeth, reaching out to touch his rear, which he purposely wiggled at her, before she snapped her hand back and pointed at him. “NO! Get dressed!” 

Joker gave his ass another wiggle before he shrugged, but he was smirking. “If you insist, but you’re missing out on this ass.” 

Harley folded her arms over her chest, watching him dress, though she was smiling because he was right. She wanted to squeeze his ass while groaning and while he used those hips of his too… Harley took a breath and let it out slowly. No, she reminded herself, she wanted her romantic Valentine’s Day date first. Though she couldn’t deny she was a little disappointed to see him clothed. 

She did love to run her hands over his naked body, to feel him at her mercy, to hear him moan… 

NO, no. Stop it Harley! She reminded herself, she wasn’t going to give in! She wanted her promised romantic Valentine’s date and she was going to get it. They were not going to just end up in bed fucking all night and eating stale popcorn; they could do that any old night. 

Joker finished dressing, then slipped into the bathroom to style his hair and came back out a few moments later to throw his arms out. 

“TaDA!! How do I look at toots?” Joker spun around for her with his arms held out to his sides. 

Harley clapped her hands in little quick claps. He did look devastatingly handsome, dashing in his suit. Her puddin was one hot man she thought as she exclaimed. “Oh, you look delicious puddin!! So swanky!!” 

Joker grinned and held his arm out to her. “I thought we might see about getting a table at the Iceberg Lounge tonight for our dinner.” 

Harley frowned as she looped her arm into his and they headed for the door. “Ah, do you think we’ll be able to get in at this late a date puddin?” 

Joker grinned at her, giving her a wink. “Oh please, Pengy and us are old friends!! He’ll be pleased to have us there for our Valentine's date!” 

* 

Joker and Harley arrived at the Iceberg Lounge and were seated (on the side that Penguin kept secret, a section for villains and anyone who wanted to participate in his illegal gambling, which happened to be a large number of the Gotham elite) because Penguin always kept an open table for his sometimes partners, whether it was Joker and Harley, Two-Face, or Sal Maroni. (He also kept these tables open for them because an angry super villain or gangster meant bad business.) 

The club was busy tonight. Even villains liked to take their girls or guys out for Valentine’s Day, so the place was packed. There were couples gambling, eating dinner, and some were dancing to the music the live band that Penguin had hired for the night was playing. 

Joker grinned, using his cane as he walked proudly with Harley on his arm, the two of them drawing quite a bit of attention from everyone. (The underworld was always wary when Joker and Harley were on the prowl.) Harley smiled in excitement. A romantic dinner and dancing was still in her future! 

The waitress--a tiny young woman who was clearly nervous--seated them at their regular booth at the far corner of the dining room. 

“I’m your waitress tonight. My name is Paula. Can I get you each a drink?” She asked nervously holding her pad against her like a shield. “Our drink special tonight is a Love Martini.” 

Joker grinned at her. “Why yes you can dear, two of your Love Martinis please.” He glanced at Harley to make sure that was all right with her, to which she smiled and nodded. Paula hurried off practically running. 

Joker frowned leaning close to Harley as he watched the waitress run off. “She must be new.” 

Harley laughed watching her. “Yep, the new ones always run like that, like rabbits!” 

Joker snickered. “Hippy hop little bunny!” 

Harley giggled, but her attention was drawn over to Frost and Bob who had been seated at a table nearby. The two of them were sitting close together going over the menu. Frost looked a little glum. “I feel a little bad having Frost drive us tonight when we promised him the night off with Ecco.” 

“Well…” Joker gestured with his hand in a circle while looking over the menu. “Sometimes circumstances change my sweetness. Besides, they’re still in the dating period. We, on the other hand, are a much longer, devoted couple, AND we are actually married, so we get dibs on Valentine’s Day. I don’t make the rules--I just follow them.” Joker set his gloved hands on the table with a smug look on his face. 

Harley snickered. “You--follow rules?” 

Joker stuck his tongue out at her just as Paula came back with their drinks. She set their drinks down, the red liquid shuddering inside the glasses as she set them down. 

“Have you decided what you would like tonight?” Paula asked them, struggling to keep her voice from shaking. 

Joker glanced at Harley. “What would you like, my dear?” 

Harley tapped her finger against her lips, staring at the menu. “Mm...I think...the lamb shoulder with the citrus-fennel salad.” She glanced at Joker with a lifted brow. 

He grinned at her, turning his attention to Paula. “Make that two.” 

Paula nodded and took their menus, hurrying away. 

Joker was looking around, noting everyone who was here tonight. His brow knitted as he pointed. “Are those some of Riddler’s gang?” 

Harley glanced over to see several people in the same shade of green. “I think so.” She made a face. “Seems a bit lame to bring your gang gambling on Valentine’s Day. Doesn’t Riddler have a girl? I thought he and Quelle…” 

Joker snorted. “Nygma is blind as a bat and just as stupid as Batsy. He wouldn’t have a clue if anyone liked him. Though I suppose it's so out there...” He put his hands up and wiggled them. “...that someone might want to get into his pants that not even Riddler’s simple little mind can wrap around the idea.” He chuckled, but Harley elbowed him. “Oh stop, he’s just shy.” 

Joker snorted. “Riddler, shy? Hardly. Everyone thinks I have a massive ego, but next to Riddler I’m down right modest.” 

Harley laughed. “Modest? You?” 

He wrinkled his nose at her when his attention was drawn back to the table where several of Riddler’s gang were playing Roulette, they seemed to be arguing with a handful of people. These people were dressed all in black, with black bowler hats, and both groups seemed to be playing the game… 

Joker shook his head. “You know Harls, I don’t like the new Penguin henchmen clothing. All that black is boring and those bowler hats…” He made a face before adding. “Boooooring!” 

Harley put her chin in her hand watching as the two groups were starting to yell at each other. 

“I wonder what’s going on?” She cocked one eyebrow in a small frown. “They certainly seem to be upset with each other.” 

Joker put his hands up. “I don’t care. Tonight is about you and me.” He smiled, taking her hand and kissing her knuckles. She could feel the heat of his breath through her gloves. “Our Valentine’s Day date and nothing else.” 

Harley blushed, gazing at him. “That sounds perfect puddin.” 

He waggled his eyebrows at her and kissed her knuckles again, then the back of her hand and began to make his way up her arm, working to get past her glove much to Harley’s delight. 

“YOU’RE A FUCKING CHEAT AND SO’S YOUR BOSS!! THIS GAME IS RIGGED!!” 

Joker and Harley turned to see one of the people in green who had just put some chips down on the roulette game getting in the face of one of the guys dressed all in black. The man in black yelled back. “WELL YOUR BOSS IS STUPID! HIS RIDDLES ARE STUPID AND HIS OUTFIT IS STUPID! AND YOU’RE STUPID!” 

The guy in green got into the other man's face and yelled. “YOUR BOSS LOOKS LIKE A FAT BIRD!” 

Harley saw movement to the side and turned to see Penguin, dressed in his black and white tuxedo, monocle, black top hat, with his walking stick in hand, and with Lark at his side, push his way through the crowd that had begun to form a circle around the two groups. 

“Uh-oh, this is going to get bad,” she whispered watching. “Shoot, we haven't even gotten our dinner yet.” 

Joker shook his head, picking up his drink. “Nah, only if Riddler is here too. That man has a gift for being the most annoying man in Gotham. Now if he’s here, the situation will definitely ramp up from dumb to dumber in...oh well, nevermind.” Joker shrugged. 

They saw Riddler, dressed in a green suit covered in tiny black question marks, a green bowler hat on his head. Joker whispered to Harley, “What’s with the round hats? Was there a bad guy memo at the Legion of Doom that I didn’t get, that we’re all wearing round hats now?” 

Harley giggled at him. “No, because unlike you, I actually read the memos puddin.” She reached over and brushed her gloved fingers along his hair and tucked a curl behind his ear. “I don’t know puddin--you could pull it off. You can wear anything and make it look good.” 

Joker preened under her praise. “Well that is certainly true, I was blessed with a beautiful face that can wear any hat.” Harley laughed, grasping his jaw in her hand, holding him still while she pressed her lips against his cheek with a loud smack, which only made Joker giggle with delight. Riddler pushed himself into the circle from the other side of the room with Quelle racing up behind him. 

“What’s going on?!” Riddler demanded loudly. 

Penguin pointed at Riddler with his stick. “Your people are accusing me and my establishment of cheating. What are you going to do about it?” 

Riddler put his hands on his hips. “Well, are you?” 

Penguin huffed and shouted. “HOW DARE YOU!!” 

Riddler narrowed his eyes and yelled back. “HOW DARE I?? You stupid lame birdbrain! I’m the Riddler and I know a rigged game when I see it.” 

Everyone in the place started to mutter. 

Penguin looked around when he realized that what Riddler had said could potentially ruin him as the people who had been playing his games started to mutter about his games being rigged too. It didn’t matter that only some of them were rigged, once the doubt was there, the crowd would think they were all rigged!! 

He glared at Nygma. “My game’s aren’t rigged! How dare you!!” 

Riddler grinned. “What are you doing to do birdbrain?” 

“What am I going to do??” Penguin shouted back thrusting his chest up at Riddler who thrust his chest right back at Penguin and yelled. 

“Yeah, what are you going to do!!” 

Suddenly the two men began swatting at each other like they were two elementary school children. 

* 

Harley frowned, taking a large gulp of her martini. “Are they going to start fighting? Or is that fighting? I’m not sure I understand exactly what they are doing there. They’re both puffing up their chests like birds and swatting at each other like a couple of kids.” 

Joker snickered finishing off his drink and setting his glass down. “I hope this gets violent, that would be funny!” 

Harley smacked him on the shoulder. “Puddin!! What about our dinner!! This is our romantic date!” She stuck her bottom lip out. “I don’t wanna watch those two fight like girls while eating my dinner.” 

Joker shrugged. “Well I don't have any control here--unless you want me to go over there and get involved.” He added the last bit with an eager smile. 

Joker started to stand with an expression of amused anticipation, but Harley grabbed his arm. “NO! No…” She knew what would happen if her puddin got involved, anarchy, then someone would die and the police would show up and that would be the end of date night. 

Joker sat back down, dropping his chin into the palm of his hand while watching the building fight. “Fine,” he muttered. “But I could solve this real fast if you let me shoot them.” 

* 

In the middle of the dining room, Riddler snarled (ignoring Quelle who had grabbed his arm and tried to pull him back) and got into Penguin’s face again after swatting at the smaller man. “The man who made it, doesn’t want it. The man who brought it doesn’t need it. The man who needs it doesn’t know it. What am I?” 

Penguin squawked. “What are you even talking about you idiot!” 

Riddler shoved Penguin. “A coffin, because that is where I’m going to put you!” 

Penguin stumbled back and Lark moved out of the way. No one else stopped to catch Penguin who slammed into a waitress carrying a tray of food, some of which consisted of a plate of lobster, soup, mashed potatoes, an order of spaghetti, and some rolls. Penguin squawked when hot soup was dumped on him, his hat knocking it off, while the rest of the hot red soup spilled down his front. 

The waitress screamed. 

Penguin screamed. 

But Penguin reacted quickly. He grabbed two handsful of mashed potatoes and threw them at Eddie. “Riddle yourself out of this!!” 

The potatoes hit Riddler in the face and slowly leaked down to drip off his chin and smear a trail of melted butter down the front of his suit. 

The tall slender man gasped, wiping potatoes from his eyes. “My suit!” 

Penguin snickered. “What’s green and mashed? The Riddler!” 

Riddler hissed. “That doesn’t even make sense!!” 

Eddie grabbed the tray from another waiter nearby, who was carrying plates of food and drink and threw the entire thing at Penguin who ducked as food and drink splashed over him, Lark, and several of the people who were simply watching the fight, all of them now covered in a wide assortment of colors and textures. 

A woman in the crowd screamed. “MY HAIR!” 

* 

From their table, Harley frowned watching the food fly across the room. “Oh...shit. I think that was our dinner Riddler just threw!” 

Joker, who had been giggling, sat up straight. “It was? Want me to shoot Riddler?” He smiled. “I would be happy to shoot Riddler. “ 

Harley started to answer, but someone screamed. “FOOD FIGHT!” which was quickly answered by a full ribeye steak flying through the air. There was a moment of stillness, the steak making a sickening wet sound when it hit a young woman in a red evening dress in the chest, a young woman who was sitting at a table with Sal Maroni. 

The young woman screamed. “MY DRESS!!” 

She stood up, grabbing her drink off the table and threw the contents into the face of another woman who was standing too close. That woman shrieked and grabbed the rolls off Maroni’s table and threw them at the woman. Maroni laughed. 

Someone took that opportunity to throw a handful of shrimp, which set off an explosion of food flying threw the air as within seconds everyone in the room became involved in the fight. 

Harley yelped, ducking as something that looked like jello flew at her head. Joker grabbed her and yanked her down, the two of the ducking under their table. They could hear the sounds of people screaming and yelling, the wet sounds of food hitting the floors, walls, and people. 

Penguin’s voice cut through the noise. “This IS A RESPECTABLE AND CLASSY ESTABLISHMENT!!” 

Followed by the sound of Riddler yelling back. “AS RESPECTABLE AS A DIRTY BIRD CAGE!!” 

Joker snickered as he crouched down next to Harley. “I can honestly say I was not expecting this.” 

Harley pouted. “I thought we were going to have a romantic dinner date! I can’t believe they’re having a food fight! What respectable criminal has a food fight in a restaurant?” 

“Who said we were respectable criminals?” Joker looked offended before his expression changed to something mischievous. “You sure you don’t want me to shoot them?” he asked eagerly, but Harley shook her head with a sigh. 

“Let’s just go. Did you see Frost and Bob?” she asked. 

Joker put his finger up telling her to wait as he carefully stuck his head out from under their table and looked around before slinking back under the table’s protection. 

“They’re hiding under their table too. I signaled them to head outside, but they’re surrounded.” Joker smiled pleasantly. “Sure you don’t wanna get involved sweets? I have a mean right hook with a pie.” He gave her a hopeful grin, but Harley pouted. “No.” 

Joker sighed with a self-mocking smirk. “Fine--follow me.” 

The two of them set off through the dining room at a crabwalk, ducking under dinner tables, card tables, slinking between the roulette table, between the legs of people throwing food and drinks, along the blackjack tables and slipping between the slot machines as food and drinks flew through the air. A few guests (and some employees) were taking advantage of the mayhem to grab chips off the gambling table and rush out of the lounge while Penguin was squawking loudly. 

Joker snickered “They keep this up, the cops really are going to show up.” 

Harley tugged on his arm. “Then we really need to get going puddin. I don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day in a cell or being transferred to Arkham.” She stuck her bottom lip out giving Joker a full pout. 

Joker hooked his cane over his arm as he smiled at Harley, reaching out to cup her cheek, guiding her closer for a kiss before he nodded and motioned for her to follow him. 

They had just about made it, they were within an inch of the front door when a voice they both knew said with venom “And where you do two think you’re going?” 

Harley and Joker looked up to see Riddler standing over them covered in food. 

Joker stood up slowly. “Harley and I were just leaving.” 

“Leaving?” Ridder frowned, then slowly his eyes widened. “You're going to flood this place with Joker gas!” 

Harley blinked. “WHAT? No!! This our Valentine's date and you ruined it!” 

Harley shoved him in the chest. 

Riddler frowned at her. “What?” 

Riddler quickly realized he had made a mistake as Harley let out her frustration on him. “We came here for a nice romantic dinner and you had to start a fight. And not just any fight, oh no! A FOOD fight!!” She shoved him in the chest again, knocking him back a step. “All I wanted was a romantic dinner. First Joker blows up some stink bomb in the hideout and now you and Penguin start a food fight in the lounge!” She ended her little tirade by slugging Riddler across his chin. 

The man was so surprised that he didn’t step out of the way or try to block her. Harley’s fist snapped his head to the side and set Riddler spinning, slamming into Sal Maroni who was heading toward the door. Riddler hit the big gangster hard enough that his forehead smacked against Maroni’s head with a dull smacking sound. The gangster was sent reeling back. 

His men caught him, preventing their boss from toppling over. 

Sal shook his head and snarled. “RIDDLER!!” 

Riddler blinked reaching up to rub his jaw looking at Sal with frown. “I didn’t hit you! She hit me!” He pointed at Harley, but Sal wasn’t paying any attention. 

He snarled at his men. “GET HIM!” 

Riddler shrieked and took off at a run toward the door. 

Joker chuckled. “Oh, now this is going to get violent!” 

Harley grabbed his hand and headed for the door. “We’re leaving.” 

She pulled Joker out of the door slamming it in Riddler’s face. Joker spun around, pulling out a small glass vial filled with a bright green liquid, he opened the door a crack just as Riddler hit the door. 

“JOKER! Let me out!!” 

Joker grinned at him. “I really wish I could stay to see the rest of the fun, but my girl wants a romantic night. So…” 

He tossed the glass vial inside. It hit Riddler and broke instantly. The green substance began to spread across Eddie’s jacket. Joker quickly slammed the door shut and grabbed Harley’s hand taking off at a run into the parking lot. 

Harley looked back at the lounge door just as Eddie opened it, green goo oozing out followed by the smell of rotten eggs. She caught a glimpse of Eddie’s face, a look of horror mixed with a look of sickness. 

“What did you do?” Harley asked as Joker dragged her with him. 

Joker smirked.”That was a vial of some of the stuff from my lab…” 

“Why did you bring that?” Harley glanced back and she could see and hear people swarming out of the restaurant screaming. 

Joker shrugged and snickered. “Well, I thought: you never know when you’re going to need something like that…” 

Harley smacked his shoulder. “I can’t believe you brought that stuff on our date!” 

Joker grinned at her. “I’m always prepared.” 

They were out of the parking lot, though there was no sign of Frost or Bob and they could both hear the distant sound of sirens. Someone had called the police. 

Joker and Harley ran, moving from the sidewalks to the alleys with Joker pulling her along and dashing from shadow to shadow. They were hiding behind some trash, hidden by deep shadows when they saw the first police car blast by. 

Joker snickered. “I would love to see what’s going to happen next.” 

That was when they both heard a voice behind them hiss. “What’s gonna happen next is all up to you.” 

They both turned to see a small gang of four men. One had a gun on them, the other three armed with bats and knives. 

The one with the gun was a short bald man covered in tattoos. He grinned. “Now, give me your wallet and you might walk out of this alley alive.”


	2. Domino Effect

The mugger spokesman motioned again with his gun at them. “Come on, stand up and give us your wallet. Benny, since you’ve been doing good lately, I want you to go search the woman.” 

Benny, the one holding the baseball bat, leered at Harley. “Thank’s Cisco.” 

Joker used his cane to push himself up slowly, acting as if he needed the cane more than he actually did. Harley grabbed onto his arm, playing the part of the terrified woman. When they both stood, the dim light from the streetlamp illuminated them just a little more, allowing the muggers to see Joker’s white face, green hair, and red lips. 

The mugger with the gun wrinkled his nose in confused disgust. “What the fuck are you supposed to be? A cheap version of that Jokeyman?” 

The man with the knife chuckled. “He’s probably one of those cosplayers, or like one of those fanboys.” 

The man with the gun and tattoo named Cisco laughed. “HA, that’s a good one Don. So what’s your bitch? A cheap Harley Quinn?” 

Joker frowned, glancing sideways at Harley. “You know my sweets, I’m not sure if I’m insulted or completely shocked at these three being the stupidest muggers in Gotham.” 

Harley giggled, though her smile didn’t reach her eyes as the glared at the three men. 

“I do think they win the stupid award puddin.” 

Benny walked over to Harley. “Put your arms out.” 

Harley leaned on Joker, pitching her voice into a high squeal. “Puddin, I’m scared!” 

Joker put his bottom lip out. “Well sweetie, I’m so sorry, but I just don’t think I'm man enough to protect you.” 

Harley gasped. “Puddin no!!” 

Joker shook his head. “I’m afraid not, I’m just too scared and weak.” 

Harley pressed her lips together trying not to giggle before she said in what was clearly mock fear. “What if he tries to rape me puddin? Whatever shall I do?” 

Joker sighed. “I don’t know pumpkin.” 

While they were talking, Harley slipped her hand under Joker’s coat, her nimble fingers quickly finding the gun that he had in the holster under his arm, her thumb flicking the snap off the holster. Their eyes met. Joker gave her a smirk and a wink as Harley pulled the gun, spinning around in a quick, graceful movement to shoot Benny in the head. 

Benny had taken a step toward her and stopped when Harley shot him. His head snapped back--but he didn’t fall--before coming back up, his eyes crossed, a small and bloody crater in the center of his forehead, a single drop of blood leaving a line of red down his forehead and across his nose. 

Cisco and Don both stared, shocked and unable to move as they watched their friend slowly crumple to the ground. 

Harley grinned, putting her other hand to her lips. “Oops!” 

“YOU BITCH!” Cisco turned his gun on Harley, but Joker was already moving, his cane held in his hands like a baseball bat. He crossed the distance to Cisco within a heartbeat and swung his cane up, his hands sliding down the length of it to grasp the end. He swung the cane in an underhand stroke. The solid metal head of his cane, shaped into a sinister smiling face, came rushing upward. The sturdy head of the cane caught Cisco under the chin with a horrible sound of cracked teeth and broken bone, knocking Cisco’s head back. 

Cisco stumbled backwards, tasting blood and felt bits of teeth floating in his mouth. Despite the pain, he kept himself upright and tried to refocus his aim from Harley to Joker. 

Harley giggled, taking an exaggerated pose, her legs in a wide stance, holding Joker’s gun in both hands, and her tongue caught between her teeth. “Hey, ya tattooed freak!” she yelled. 

Cisco turned toward her just as Harley shot, the bullet hitting Cisco in the chest. Harley fired four more times in quick succession while yelling. 

“BANG BANG BANG BANG!!” 

Don yelled incoherently in rage at seeing his two best friends shot down. He rushed at Joker with his knife held out. Joker laughed and swung his cane once more like a bat. He caught Don across the face, the sharp curve of the cane’s head catching Don in the throat. 

Joker yanked the younger man forward with the cane. Don stumbled and dropped to the ground on his knees in front of Joker. He looked up at the clown in confusion, blood bubbling out of the hole in his throat. 

“Well now, you seemed to have gotten a slight booboo there my good fellow. How about I just help you take care of that?” 

Joker laughed and brought his cane up an underhanded blow to Don’s chin with enough power that he broke the bone of Don’s chin in half. The hooked end of his cane caught into the flesh under Don’s chin, hooking into the broken bone and ripped it outward, yanking Don’s jaw out of socket. The man didn’t make much of a sound more than a gurgle before he fell over. 

Joker, laughing, switched his hold on his cane and brought the cane down on Don’s ruined face. He continued to beat Don even as the man fell over, until the man’s head had turned into a squishy pile of unidentifiable bone, flesh, and brain matter. 

“Puddin, I think his head’s...well, pudding now.” Harley giggled strolling over to put her hand on Joker’s shoulder. 

Joker took a deep breath, looking down at Don, then over at Cisco and Benny. “Well, that was over quickly. I’m a little disappointed.” 

Harley shrugged pulling his jacket aside to slip his gun back in the holster. “Well there were only three of them; it wasn't really a fair fight.” 

Joker sighed wiping his cane clean on Benny’s body since he had the least amount of damage to his clothing. “True sweets, true…” 

Harley’s eyes widened when she heard someone shout out on the sidewalk. “I heard gunshots over this way Sergeant!” 

Another voice yelled back. “Don’t go alone Jeffries! I’ll be right there!” 

Harley turned to look at Joker with panicked eyes and hissed. “Cops. They’ll ruin our date even more!” 

Joker took her hand. “This way! No one is ruining our date pumpkin!” 

They hurried down the alley, turning around the corner of the building only to see that it was a dead end. Joker cursed under his breath, but there was a door to his left leading into the building. 

Joker used his cane to leverage the door open with a pop of the flimsy lock. He grabbed Harley and shoved her inside and pulled the door closed as he followed her inside. He held the door closed, his ear against the door listening. 

Harley was huddled behind him, her hands on his back. She could feel his heavy breathing, the tension in his body. She turned to look into the building. It was dark, but from what she could see, it looked like they were in the back of a restaurant that was closed judging by the lack of screaming, the lack of lights, and the old, lingering smell of used oil and fried food. 

Joker frowned and tilted his head until his ear touched the door. He could hear the cops in the alley. 

“We need to move Harls,” he hissed to Harley, glancing over his shoulder at her. “They’ll notice the door sooner or later...maybe.” He grinned. “The Gotham PD isn’t the most observant lot.” 

He looked around quickly and found an old metal chair by the door. He grabbed it and shoved it under the door handle, but he knew the chair wouldn’t keep the cops out if they wanted in since he had broken the handle. Hopefully they were the typical blind, lazy cops and wouldn’t notice… 

Harley grasped his shoulder. “Come on puddin.” 

She started to move through the restaurant. The place was small. As as they moved deeper inside Harley could smell fish mixed with the oil. She made a face and gagged. 

Joker chuckled at her reaction as they moved from the kitchen into the body of the restaurant. The place was one of those small holes in the wall found all over Gotham, that only stayed in business because of word of mouth and loyal customers. The walls were painted white and blue, with images of fish everywhere. The restaurant had a small counter, some tables and chairs, and a couple of booths. The fish decor was everywhere and everything had a fish on it, from the tops of the tables, to the photos on the wall. There were even stuffed or plastic fish hanging from the ceiling. 

Harley dry gagged. 

Joker chuckled looking around, seeing the menu above the counter on a chalkboard. “Oh, looks like it's a fish and chips place.” He pointed at the board. 

Harley wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Ugh, this place smells disgusting!” 

Joker chuckled at her and Harley smacked him on the shoulder with a pout. 

“Tonight is turning into the worst date night ever.” She sniffed, sticking her bottom lip out. “I just wanted a romantic dinner, slow dancing, and romantic love making…not a sticky fish place with the cops crawling all over the place.” She folded her arms over her chest. “Stink seems to be a theme for tonight.” 

Joker smiled at her, reaching over to pinch her cheek. “How about we come back later this week and burn this place to the ground--that makes you happy toots?” 

Harley nodded sullenly. “Yeah, it would.” 

Joker laughed softly, pulling her close. He gazed into her eyes for a long moment, his smile tugging at the sides of his mouth. “You are so pretty,” he whispered. “Pretty as a picture.” 

Harley smiled back at him, she couldn’t help it. “You’re so handsome,” she whispered back. 

Joker grinned before he leaned in and captured her mouth in a deep, toe curling kiss. 

Harley resisted for a few seconds just to be stubborn, before she put her arms around him and kissed him more thoroughly. Joker made a soft growl pulling her closer still, his hands sliding down her back to grasp her rear through the layers of her dress. 

Harley wrapped a leg around his hip, pressing herself closer, feeling his response against her groin when they both went still, hearing the sound of someone messing with the back door. 

Joker growled starting to reach for his gun, but Harley put her hand on his arm. “Let’s just go puddin--this place stinks.” 

Joker frowned glancing back toward the sound before he nodded. “Fine.” 

They eased the front door open, looking around outside. They could see an empty police car parked down the street, but otherwise the street itself was empty. In the distance they could hear the sound of more sirens. 

Joker slipped out, taking Harley’s hand, the two of them taking off at a run down the street, away from the police car and away from the sounds of approaching sirens. 

* 

They’d been walking for a while, maybe close to forever Harley thought with a sigh. She looked up, but the city lights made seeing the night sky impossible. She was walking hand in hand with Joker down the sidewalk. Her feet hurt in her heels, the back of her dress where it dragged against the street was dirty, torn, and her stomach was growling with hunger. They had been seeing cop cars on and off for the last hour, requiring the two of them to jump into alleys or hide behind garbage cans. The cops were everywhere tonight. 

Harley kicked a can, sending it rolling down the street with a loud clatter. “This sucks,” she muttered. “I can’t believe you forgot your phone.” 

Joker sighed in annoyance. “I said I was sorry. I didn’t bring it with me when we left because we kind of scattered in a hurry Harls. Besides, it was in the lab with me, it probably stinks to high heaven anyway.” He frowned at her. “Where’s yours?” 

Harley motioned at her dress. “Where do you think I would keep it?” 

Joker gave her a good long up and down look followed by a smirk. 

Harley sighed and resisted the urge to point out that if he hadn’t had containers of smelly...crap...in his lab, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. But she didn’t, she didn’t feel like arguing with him about something that made no difference at the moment. They had no phone, no way to contact Frost, and no car. 

Harley frowned, walking along beside Joker when Joker pointed “Hey look Harls, a phonebooth!” 

Harley saw that he was right. There indeed was a phone booth on the corner of the street under a pool of urine-yellow light. It was not really a booth so much as a phone on a pole with protected metal sides to give the illusion of privacy. It was a dinosaur from the past. Gotham still had quite a few public phones, just like it still had buildings that dated back to the beginnings of the city. 

Harley grinned turning to Joker. “You think it still works?” 

Joker shrugged. “Let’s go find out. I think I might have a couple of quarters…” He dug around in his pockets looking for change. 

Harley grinned as he came up with two shiny quarters and placed them in the palm of her hand. “If it’s working, I can call the operator!” 

Harley let go of Joker’s hand and raced across the street to the phone booth. Joker watched her go with a laugh before following her, their little snit forgotten. 

* 

Harley arrived at the phone. The little walls that formed the “booth” were littered with graffiti letting her know to call Gail or maybe Susan for a good time, though apparently Joshua gave great blowjobs at the number listed below his name. There were stickers for local bands along with tiny, shriveled rocks of old chewing gum. 

Harley picked up the receiver holding it close, but not against her ear. She heard a dial tone. 

“Does it work?” Joker asked coming up alongside her, his arm slipping around her waist. 

Harley nodded. “There’s a dial tone at least…” She had just started to put the quarters into the slot next to the push buttons of the phone when a loud crash startled them. 

Harley and Joker both spun around as something very large and very green broke through the side of the building behind them. 

Joker dropped his cane and grabbed Harley, yanking her close and wrapping his arms around her, throwing himself out of the way as the giant vine kept moving, ripping the phone and the pole it was on out of the sidewalk. The vine kept going, slamming into the building across the street before it twisted around again. 

Joker and Harley hit the sidewalk. Joker rolled, his back taking the brunt of the impact while he kept Harley as safe as he could in his arms. They both lay on the asphalt watching as Huntress, dressed in her purple and black, her black hair flying behind her as she raced across the thick vine and turned to fire her crossbow just as Poison Ivy came riding out of the same building on an gigantic pink rose. 

“You can’t get away from me, Huntress!!” Ivy yelled, throwing out her arms, sending two more large, thick vines racing toward Huntress. 

Huntress leapt up in the air, did a backflip, and fired two more shots, one bolt hit Ivy in the shoulder while the other went flying past her. 

Ivy screamed with rage. A multitude of vines, now with large thorns, came flying at the other woman who was jumping and flipping trying to avoid the deadly greenery. 

* 

Harley gasped and pointed. “Puddin!! It’s Red!” 

Joker rolled his eyes, laying back against the asphalt, his arms spread out as he groaned loudly. “I can see that.” He added with a mutter. “Great, the last person I want to see on our date night is your talking plant. As usual, she’ll try and ruin everything.” He sighed. Tonight was turning into one of those nights where it was clear he and Harley should have just stayed home. One night he was trying to have a romantic date with his girl. It was like everything was going wrong on purpose. 

Harley pushed herself to her feet, her hands pressing into his chest for a moment, causing Joker to groan uncomfortably before she stood and pointed at the fight, which mostly consisted of Ivy throwing vines around, wrecking everything within a hundred yard radius while Huntress jumped around like a Mexican Jumping Bean. She never remained in the same place for more than half a second, Ivy’s vine shooting past the spot she had been only moments before. 

The fight between the two women had destroyed the building they had come fighting out of, and were quickly in the process of destroying the building across the street. Bricks were flying and several windows had shattered, sending brick and glass flying everywhere. A few people had come out screaming, running off down the street to get away from the fight while a few others--who Joker would consider to be true Gothamites who weren’t scared of anything--were standing dangerously close snapping pictures with their phones. No one on the street had noticed Joker and Harley among them. 

“Puddin! She’s in trouble--we should help her!” Harley turned to look at him, desperation in her gaze. 

Joker got to his feet, reaching for his cane as he pulled himself up. He stood, ignoring the fight while he dusted himself off. “No, we shouldn’t. She’s fine, she’s got her giant weeds to help her.” 

He motioned in the direction of the fight overhead in sort of a general way before he motioned for her to follow him. “Let’s get going. This much of a mess is going to bring more cops and probably Batman. And while I would love to play with Batsy, tonight is our Valentine's Date!” 

“But Huntress hit her with a crossbow bolt!!” Harley turned to face him with a scowl on her face. “We should help. You got any more of that stink gas goo on you?” 

Joker sighed, narrowing his eyes wondering if he was about to get into trouble again as he said slowly, “Yes.” 

“Good, throw it at Huntress!” Harley pointed as the purple and black clad vigilante ran and jumped over some more of Ivy’s vines. 

Joker smiled, tilting his head slightly. “Really, you want me to throw it? At the two of them?” 

Harley nodded. “Yes! I mean no! Just throw it at the Huntress!” 

Joker smirked pulling out the small vial, the last of the expanding sticky goo he had brought with him...just in case. He watched Huntress as she jumped around, having shot a few more crossbow bolts, but she hadn’t in the last few seconds making him wonder if she had run out or simply didn’t have time to reload. Either way, she was running straight toward Poison Ivy, avoiding the vines nimbly. If he waited until just the right moment, when both women were close enough together, he could get a two for one… 

Joker’s smile slowly widened more as he watched the two women getting closer... 

Harley yelled looking between her friend and her lover. “Puddin!! What are you waiting for??!” 

Joker grinned. The two women had dropped down to street level, many of the gawkers had run in fear, but a few of the bravest souls had stayed close to watch the action (either ignoring Joker and Harley or too involved in the fight to see that the clowns were among them.) 

Joker grinned to himself. This was going to be great! He held the vial between his gloved thumb and fingers watching for just the right moment… 

Huntress and Ivy were now exchanging physical blows; it was perfect. Joker laughed as he threw the vial and yelled. “YAHTZEE!!” At the top of his lungs. 

He watched with wide blue eyes as the vial rotated in the air, neither woman having turned when he yelled. The streetlight caught the vial, green liquid glittering beautifully, twinkling like a poisonous star before the vial hit Ivy’s shoulder and shattered. 

The stink hit them immediately. 

Both women stopped mid-fight to cry out in disgust. 

Joker started to laugh hysterically as the goo slid down Ivy’s arm while the cloud of stink filled the air quickly. Both women turned and stared when they heard the sound of laughter, their twin gazes of disgust zeroing in on Joker, who was leaning forward, his hands on his knees laughing until he had tears in his eyes. 

Harley looked shocked, looking between Ivy and Joker. 

Harley turned on her lover. “You did that on purpose!” 

That was when the momentary silence was broken by Ivy screaming. “YOU!!” 

Followed by Huntress snarling. “You fucking CLOWN!!” 

Harley’s eyes widened as she whispered. “Oh shit.” 

She spun around and grabbed Joker by the arm, yanking him with her as she took off a run. “You’re an idiot!” Harley hissed at him as they pushed their way through the small crowd that was still lingering around the site. 

Joker was laughing, turning around just in time to see Huntress stop and vomit, laugh, then vomit again, which caused Joker to wheeze on a laugh while they were running. The best part was the smell and gas were starting to affect the spectators too! 

Harley turned yelling over her shoulder. “RED!! IT’S ME!!” 

But if Ivy heard her, she gave no indication. The green woman’s eyes were burning red and they were focused solely on the Joker. 

Joker laughed harder, the smell of rot and poo following along with Ivy. She may not have been affected by the smell herself because she wasn’t vomiting or laughing (her and her stupid immunity he thought with annoyance. He was really going to have to work on getting around that, though boy, would Harley be pissed...and just like that he dropped the idea and settled for making the plant lady smell like a corpse flower.) But even she couldn’t get away from the cloud of smell he had caused. Miss Flower Power smelled like a ripe sewer on a hot summer day and it was gloriously funny. 

Harley snarled at him. “God! Sometimes you are just so…” She ducked around a corner only to have several smaller vines crawling after them reaching up to grasp at their ankles and legs. “...ugh!!” She kicked at the vines, one of which had twisted around the edge of her dress and tore it causing Harley to groan loudly. “You are like a...a…” 

“A clown, dear?” Joker offered only to have Harley yank him by the collar as she took off again, the vines giving chase. She glanced back to see that Ivy had vines covering all the buildings, moving along the streets and traveling into every little corner trying to find her and her puddin. searching for them. She pulled Joker with her out into the middle of the street to try one more time to reason with her friend. 

She could see the giant rose holding Ivy coming down the middle of the road like a float on Thanksgiving, her vines everywhere along with a cloud of stink. Harley tried not to show how much Ivy stank at the moment as she waved her arms in the air trying to get her attention. 

“RED!! Come on, it's me!!” Harley had let go of Joker to wave her arms back and forth. “Remember, Harley! Your best friend!!” 

Joker continued to laugh since Ivy was carrying his goo with her still stuck on her petals and vines, so that anyone in the vicinity was being affected by his gassy goo. It was marvelously funny and he continued to laugh, tears in the corners of his eyes as he giggled. 

“This is beautiful! I couldn’t have thought of something better if I had tried!” 

Harley hissed. “Shut up!! I’m trying to stop Ivy from killing you! From killing us both!” she muttered under her breath. “This is the worst Valentine’s date ever.” 

Ivy rolled forward coming to a stop, staring down at her friend, the red glow in her eyes faded slightly. “Harley?” 

Harley grinned with relief. “Yeah Red, it’s me! Can you uh, call off your vines?” 

Ivy frowned, her gaze moving from Harley to Joker who still had his hands on his knees laughing. “He…” She pointed. “Threw something at me that stinks!” 

Harley waved her hands seeing the red returning to Ivy’s eyes. “Hey, hey Red--focus on me. We were just trying to break you and Huntress up, that was all…” 

Ivy frowned only seeming to just now notice that Huntress was gone. She turned around, the entire giant rose that held her turned Ivy around so that she could see behind her, where Huntress was now lying on her side on the asphalt in her own vomit while laughing, some green goo spattered on her shoulders. 

Ivy spun back around looking at her own shoulder where the goo was stuck to her. She tried to pull it off, but it was stuck fast. The look of disgust that passed over her features was a little frightening Harley thought, and she had to swallow not to laugh. It was a little funny, Joker was right about that. 

Joker guffawed and pointed. “It’s gonna take a lot more than that to get that stuff off of you!! You might have to consider some weed killer! Or maybe a bath in the Gotham sewers ‘cause you’re gonna smell like an amorphophallus titanum!” 

Ivy stared at him in disbelief as Joker added, purposely putting on a derogatory, mansplaining tone. “That’s a Corpse Flower by the way!” 

Harley rolled her eyes with a groan. “Damn it puddin! Shut up!” 

She turned her attention back to Ivy. “Look Red, we’re just trying to have a nice date. It’s Valentine’s Day you kn...oh shit…” Harley realized her mistake a little too late. 

“VALENTINE’S DAY!!” Ivy roared. “The day where there is the needless slaughter of so many innocent flowers!!! Today is a celebration of DEATH!!” 

Harley’s eyes widened as she watched Ivy’s flower grow in size behind her, along with two “heads” rising up behind Ivy’s shoulders. Each looked like a flower, but as Harley watched in horror the flowers ‘mouths’ opened revealing rows of thorny teeth. 

Joker gasped on another full body laugh. “Oh, she’s pissed now!!” 

Ivy snarled. “I hate VALENTINE’S DAY!!” 

Joker yelled up at Ivy. “Let me guess??!! No one brought you any dead flowers today??!!” 

Harley screamed in annoyance at him before she grabbed Joker by the collar and started to run, dragging her clown along with her, but some of Ivy’s vine were growing rapidly along and through the asphalt, creating large cracks and upending large slabs of concrete and asphalt as they ran. 

Ivy screamed in rage behind them. 

Harley growled. “Why do you always have to say something else? It’s like you just can’t leave it alone!” 

Joker giggled as he ran with her. “I’m sorry toots, but how could I resist?” 

Harley rolled her eyes then giggled. “It was a little funny, the look on her face…” 

That was when the street in front of them burst open with several large, green and thorny vines causing the two of them to fall backwards, followed by Ivy’s snarling yell. 

“I have you now CLOWN!!” 

Harley and Joker turned to see Ivy approaching them, but just as she looked around to do something nasty, a figure in black came swinging out of the air and slammed into Ivy, knocking her off her flowers and into the street. 

Joker gasped with delight. “Batsy!!!” 

Harley groaned. “Oh my fucking GOD!!” 

She grabbed Joker again and hauled him back. “We are not staying to watch puddin!! Let’s go, this is our chan…” 

She spun around only to see Nightwing standing behind them, his fists on his hips like Superman, grinning obnoxiously under his mask. “And where do you two think you’re going, you villainous clowns?” 

Harley rolled her eyes with a loud groan. “What the hell?! Why are you even here?!” 

Joker chuckled. “Hey squirt! Shouldn’t you be helping your daddy with the plant? Though I thought you hung out in Bludhaven nowadays.” He turned to Harley, giving her a very serious look. 

“This is the one time I would agree, we need a borderwall.” He snickered, then yelped when Harley elbowed him in the side. 

Harley growled at Nightwing. “We weren’t doing anything this time! We had nothing to do with Red and whatever she and Huntress were fighting about. I’m just trying to have a DATE!!” She stomped her foot. “A ROMANTIC DATE!!” 

Nightwing looked a little confused by Harley’s outburst, but quickly covered it with a smirk. “I’m going to assume Huntress being sick as well as the other innocent citizens was your work?” 

He lifted a brow behind his mask at Joker. 

Joker bowed theatrically at the waist, throwing one arm out. “It was, but in our defense, Ivy and Huntress were in our way. I wouldn’t have done a thing otherwise.” 

Nightwing did not look like he believed any of it. 

Harley stomped her foot. “This is supposed to be my VALENTINE’S DATE!! AND ALL OF YOU ARE RUINING IT!!” 

Harley grabbed Joker’s cane from him, surprising her lover enough that he almost lost his balance as she snarled and charged Nightwing. 

“I’m going to have my date or else!” she snarled. 

Nightwing looked surprised as Harley, in her dress, charged him, holding Joker’s cane like a bat. He quickly pulled out his escrima sticks, barely having time to block as Harley snarled and swung the cane like a bat at him, aiming for his head. 

Joker laughed grabbing his knees. “Oooh, ya pissed her off Nightdork!! Never piss a girl off on Valentine’s Day!!” 

Harley snarled back at Joker. “You shut up!! I’m pissed at you too!” 

Joker stuck his bottom lip out. “Ah pumpkin, really?” 

Harley ignored him and turned her attention back to Nightwing who came at her swiftly, flipping his sticks back and forth with skill, but Harley was pissed and her anger gave her an edge. Harley swung the cane, Nightwing brought his arms up to protect his front, the cane smacking hard against his forearms as Harley did a full body swing. 

He pushed back, his sticks followed by the rapid flying movements of his sticks, but Harley was impressively quick, blocking with the cane or simply leaping out of the way despite being hampered by the train of her dress. 

She did a back somersault, but landed awkwardly stepping on the back of her dress. Nightwing came at her thinking to knock her off her feet, but she ducked and swung low, the cane nearly knocking his legs out from under him, forcing Nightwing to make several backflips away to get out of her reach. 

“Puddin!” Harley kicked the back of her dress out of the way. “A little help please!” 

Joker pulled his knife and rushed over. “Sure thing cupcake.” 

He quickly cut the back of her skirt off with one swift flash of his knife, leaving her now in a short skirt without the train. 

Harley grinned nastily at Nightwing. “Much better.” 

She rushed toward the vigilante, cane held up and ready. 

Nightwing rushed toward her, and at the last moment Harley dropped into a crouch. Instead of swinging her leg out to try to knock his legs out from under him, she used Joker’s cane. Nightwing leapt up over the cane, then performed a side spin as Harley got to her feet, clipping her across the jaw with the heel of his foot. 

Harley hissed swinging at him, but Nightwing did a quick series of flips out of the cane’s reach. He landed on his feet turning to face her, but Harley had thrown Joker’s cane back behind her (Joker quickly caught the cane out of the air) and rushed for Nightwing. 

He was a little surprised because Harley swung with her fists, her pretty face set in an expression of rage. Her split lip and the blood smeared across her chin made her look frightening despite her makeup and the dress. 

Harley swung, her right hook catching Nightwing across the jaw. Harley was forcing him backward, swinging her fists, landing another hit to his gut, and another across his face. Her next series of swing he was barely able to block with his arms and sticks before he kicked her in the chest, knocking her back. 

Harley let out an “oomph” of pain, but she kicked out in response, nearly catching him before the bird flittered out of reach. Nightwing flipped away from her before surging forward again, coming up under her guard to swing his sticks at her legs. Harley backflipped avoiding the strike with a grin. 

* 

Joker was ignoring the fight going on behind him. Batman and Ivy were boring compared to watching his girl and Nightwing. He put his fingers in his mouth and whistled loudly. 

“Get ‘em Harls!!” 

Joker smirked. Watching Harley fight always made him really, really horny for her. 

* 

Nightwing made a leap at Harley, his knee catching her in the cheek. Harley gasped in pain. 

She responded by rushing him, doing a quick series of forward flips, her gymnastics skill on full display (tearing the sides of her skirt as she used her legs.) She pushed up and out with her hands when her hands met the asphalt, her feet landing squarely on Nightwings chest, knocking the young man off his feet and causing him to drop his sticks. 

Joker put his hands around his mouth and yelled. “Pumpkin, want the cane back??!” 

Harley did a quick turn and nodded, her hand out. “Yeah puddin!” 

Joker grinned tossing her the cane again which she caught out of the air. (Joker shivered with lust for her.) She stepped toward Nightwing, swinging the cane once more with Nightwing weaving and twisting to avoid her, but at one point he didn’t weave fast enough and Harley caught him with the head of the cane across the cheek, knocking him hard enough that Nightwing actually spun around with a loud crack. 

Nightwing went down. Harley rushed over, the can raised over her head ready to smash Nightwings head in, but he didn’t move. 

Joker laughed, jumping up and down. “Woot!! My girl kicked your ass Birdy!!!” 

Harley turned around to face Joker with a grin, but her smile dropped when she saw Batman moving toward Joker from behind. 

“PUDDIN RUN!!” 

Joker spun around to see Batman, who snarled. “Game over Joker!” 

Joker giggled. “Really Batsy, we weren’t even playing!!” 

He took off at a run, racing up to and past Harley, grabbing her hand as he did and yanked her with him. 

Harley turned to look over her shoulder just as Batman rushed over, dropping down to one knee next to Nightwing. She groaned when she saw the birdboy move. He was alive, darn it! 

“We need to lose them puddin!” Harley gasped. 

Joker nodded. “I know sweets, I know. Don’t really wanna spend Valentine’s in Arkham…” 

He took a corner, yanking Harley with him, but they both saw the dark bat shaped shadow from above… 

Cheater! Harley thought, taking to the air when they couldn’t! 

Joker pulled Harley down an alley, then around a corner where he found a door held open by a large cement block. The sound of music could be heard on the other side. Joker yanked the door open a little wider and practically tossed Harley inside. He quickly followed her, shoving the block back into the ally so that the door slammed shut leaving them in darkness, the pulse of music surrounding them.


	3. Flashdance

The music was pounding so hard and so loud that it felt as if the beat of a gargantuan heart made the very air around it throb in time to the music. Harley felt her whole body, through her muscles and down to her bones, vibrate with the music. Joker grabbed her hand again and tugged her along through the dark until they both saw a bit of light up ahead coming from around a door. 

Joker shoved the door open, pulling Harley with him through the entrance. 

They both stopped in surprise. 

The building had once been a warehouse, but was now filled to capacity with people, many of them wearing glow stick necklaces and rings while jumping up and down to the music. Water fell around them in a mist from above and large lights flashed with various shades of blue in time with the music. 

Joker pulled Harley out into the crowd with a grin, shouting to be heard over the music. The people were dressed in a wide variety of clothing, from simple party outfits, some in bikinis, actual costumes, to being completely naked. 

As Harley and Joker stood there and watched, they could see several people spray each other in the mouth with what looked like small aerosol cans, as well as people smoking weed. A few others were doing meth and still others were popping pills. It was a smorgasbord of drug use, laced with alcoholic drinks. 

“Let’s see Bats find us in here!” Joker chuckled, looking around at the contained mayhem within the warehouse. 

Harley giggled while he pulled her along, keeping a death grip on her hand so that she wouldn’t accidently be yanked away from him until they were roughly in the middle of the room. 

“Wanna dance toots?” Joker asked with a grin. 

Harley draped her arms around his shoulders. “With you puddin? Always.” 

Joker grinned, his blue eyes dancing wickedly under his dark lashes as he hooked his cane over his arm and grabbed her hips, yanking her up against him. Harley giggled with pleasure. They began to move with the almost savage beat of the music, the two of them falling easily into the music's beat. 

Harley grinned and rolled her hips in slow, sensual movements to the drumming in her blood while Joker shoved his thigh between her legs, providing her a balance from which to roll up on her toes and press against him. Joker’s hands snaked from her hips to her waist and back again, enjoying the way her hips rounded from her tiny waist and back again. 

Joker smiled, gazing into her pale face. The blue lights that flashed back and forth turned everyone on the dance floor from shadows to slithering figures of excess, disguised the slight bruising on her face, and the blood on her lips. Joker didn’t care about that at all. If anything, her minor injuries turned him on. She was beautiful and she was his girl who had kicked the ass of one of Batman’s little family members and Joker loved it. 

Plus, after a night of one disaster after another, here he was, finally getting to dance with his girl on Valentine’s Day. 

He leaned close and said into his ear. “Sorry about the dinner cupcake.” 

Harley rolled her pelvis erotically against him. “It’s okay puddin, at least we’re getting to dance.” She smiled, rubbing her nose against his, her lips hovering over Joker’s damp red lips. “And maybe we can finish our Valentine’s with a devil’s tango?” She lifted her eyebrows, the meaning clear. 

Joker laughed dropping his head back to let the mist cover his face before he pulled her closer, his body moving in tandem with hers. 

Even Batman couldn’t ruin this. 

* 

Batman landed with a hard thud on top of the roof, the sensation from the impact vibrating from the soles of his boots up through his knees. The moment he hit the roof he could feel another vibration coming up through the flat roof. He stood up slowly, listening. Music drifted up from inside the warehouse. He pressed his thin lips together in annoyance before he turned and made his way over to the entrance that led down into the belly of the warehouse. 

He was sure he saw the two clowns duck into this building. He had thought briefly about going in through the same door, but when he had heard the music from inside, he thought a stealthier course would be the best option. 

He had left Nightwing to take care of Ivy, and Huntress. The young man had a couple of cracked ribs, nothing too concerning. The young man was more embarrassed by the fact that Quinn had beaten him. Batman pressed his lips together again. The boy was becoming soft working in Bludhaven. He might have to find a way to suggest he come home for some more training without insulting him. Granted, Harley Quinn was quite a good fighter, especially after her time with Joker, but still, Nightwing should have taken care of her easily especially since Joker hadn’t even been fighting! 

Batman sighed. That was a discussion for later. Right now he needed to find those two clowns before they really hurt someone with their antics. He was sure they had something to do with what happened at the Iceberg Lounge this evening, though everyone he had questioned had said that the clowns hadn’t been there. The only one pointing a finger at them had been Edward Nygma, who was an unreliable source. Riddler would pin anything he could on Joker just because of their professional rivalry, but considering the stink that had permeated the lounge and then the same smell on Huntress and Ivy, Batman was inclined to believe Riddler that Joker and Harley had a hand in the chaos. 

The caped man headed across the roof, the music beating a drum in his ear. He hated going into crowded areas, but he needed to find those clowns. Joker setting off whatever gas he was using inside a crowded building of already drugged up and drinking people could start a panic, and a panic would mean death. 

Batman yanked open the door and stepped through. 

* 

Bob and Frost stopped outside the building with a metal door that someone had painted a sparkling pink, the words “WONDERLAND” painted in purple letters diagonally on the door, through which the muffled sounds of music could be heard. Frost narrowed his eyes at the door. It sounded as if the entire building was pulsating with the beat of the music. 

“You sure this is the place?” He looked down at the pink, bedazzled phone that Bob held in his big, beefy hand. He didn’t know why he was asking. After the mess they had seen some distance back with Poison Ivy, Frost would have been more surprised if the Boss and Miss Quinn hadn’t been close by. 

They were tracking a device that was part of a GPS tracking system that was usually found in dog collars, used to track the movements of an owners dog with their phones to keep them safe. 

Bob had purchased a box of those collars, pulling out the tracking devices and planting them on the Boss, Miss Quinn, or both. 

Joker or Harley usually found them after a while and tossed them, but Bob continually planted the devices on them, for just such an occasion as this, when they got seperated. 

Bob nodded and pointed at the building. 

Frost sighed, of course they would find a building full of people and from the sounds of it, a party or something was going on. They couldn’t have just ducked into a completely empty building… 

Frost opened the door, holding it open for Bob to step through before following him. 

* 

Bodies were pressing on either side of them as Joker and Harley danced, completely oblivious to everyone around them. Aerosol cans were being sprayed, filled with some exotic drugs and filling the air with a sweet, almost cotton candy smell that mixed with the scent of sweat and alcohol. 

Joker forgot about Batman, his complete focus on Harley as reached up and ran his hands over Harley’s hair, pushing back the wet strands as the mist covered her skin in a fine dew. He slipped his jacket off, dropping it somewhere within the crowd of sweaty dancers, along with his cane. If anyone noticed who they were, no one gave any indication, all of them lost to their own worlds of music, drugs, and alcohol. 

Harley reached up, continuing to move her hips in a tight, sensual roll against him while she pulled his tie free. Her fingers snaked down to his vest which she unbuttoned before running her hands down the damp shirt over his stomach. Joker grinned at her, catching his bottom lip with his teeth, his hand pressed against the small of her back, his other hand on her hip. 

Harley gave him a lustful smile as she reached up and began to unbutton his soaked through dress shirt. She pulled his shirt free of his slacks, now completely unbuttoned, and ran her hands over his damp chest, continuing to roll her hips and pelvis against his thigh. 

The music took on a heavier, deeper beat. Around them several people were dancing naked or down to just their underwear, jumping and twisting as the music played. The neon glow sticks created a psychedelic atmosphere that made everything in the flashing blue lights seem dreamlike. Visions of people would come and go as the lights flashed, making love, dancing, or simply just enjoying the music. 

Harley leaned close and covered Joker’s mouth with hers, her fingers sliding into the wet curls of his green hair. He lifted her up a little higher on his thigh, grasping her rear with both hands, both of them continuing to roll with the music. 

* 

Batman pushed his way through the crowd, looking for Joker and Harley. The warehouse smelled like bodies, sex, and alcohol, and the air literally tasted like drugs. 

And everything was wet. 

He glared up at the sprinkler system that rained water down on the party goers. 

After a few minutes of searching through the throng of people, he was sure he spotted them, there was a couple, dancing together at the far right end of the dance floor. Whenever the lights flashed, he was sure he saw a hint of green hair. He started to shove people out of his way. 

Most of the crowd ignored him, though a few people shouted obscenities at him, but as Batman made it closer to the green head that he had his eye on, someone stepped in front of him. 

“Hey man, great costume! Not really in the spirit of the party man, this being a celebration of love, Venus and sex, you know, since its Valentine’s Day and all, but I can dig it.” The kid in front of him (Batman could only think of him as a kid though he had to be close to twenty-one) was skinny with that look of someone just barely old enough to be driving, let alone at a party like this. He was topless, showing off a scrawny chest and stomach, while wearing a pair of shorts that were riding so low on his hips he might as well not be wearing them at all. The young man had shaggy brown hair and the bloodshot eyes of someone who was currently high. 

The kid grinned at Batman. “I dig the Bat, man.” He nodded his head. “Fighting the man, putting himself out there...besides, gotta respect a guy that dresses like a bat, it’s pretty cool.” 

Batman started to push the young man out of his way. “I don’t have time for this, I’m looking for the Joker and Harley Quinn.” 

The kid simply weaved a bit, but otherwise he didn’t move out of the way. “The Joker? Cool man, cool. He got that babe with him? Harley Quinn?” the kid asked eagerly. “She is like, totally hot man. I dig her. Ya think I could get her to like sign my chest?” 

Batman ignored him as he tried to walk past the young man, but the kid simply stuck by Batman’s side continuing to talk, somehow making himself heard over the music despite how loud the beat was, drowning out anything else. 

“I like, completely dig her red and black aesthetic you know? Like black represents death, but the red is like blood, like life. It’s totally deep.” The kid nodded. “I get that. It’s like she’s wearing poetry on her cute little body.” 

Batman growled. “She wears those colors because of cards, not because of some deeper meaning and you should be careful. If the Joker heard you talking about her like that, he would kill you.” 

The kid laughed. “Hey that’s cool too, you know? Like, live your truth…” He grinned. “I don’t blame him for killing me you know. Harley Quinn’s his girl, though he should loosen up, share a little ya know?” 

Batman gave the kid a narrow eyed scowl before he continued to shove people out of his way, ignoring the dirty looks he received from the dancers, but the kid walking beside him wasn’t the least bit intimidated. “...So ah, why do you think they’re in here? Like they are here to just dance or like kill everyone?” The kid laughed and smacked himself in the forehead. “Oh, hey! My name is Andy.” He put his hand out to Batman who ignored his outstretched hand and kept walking. 

“Andy…” Batman said with patience. “I saw them duck in here. They are dangerous.” 

Andy grinned. “Wow, so they like to dance, that’s cool. Everyone should like, let loose in here. Try a few things. It’s fun you know?” Andy grinned as he continued. “You should totally join the party. We got everything here, got some Ecstasy, rophies, baby food, weed, acid, shrooms, lots of beer and other alcohol, and we got this new stuff.” Andy held up an aerosol can that he had been holding, the can was painted in neon colors. “Everyone’s been calling it Honey. It makes you feel all floaty and sweet man, like you don’t have a care in the world.” To demonstrate Andy sprayed the can in his face, a mist that caught the light as it hit Andy in the face before Batman could reach out and stop him. 

Andy chuckled. “Feels like heaven man, like drifting, makes you love everyone…” He weaved from side to side a bit. 

Batman sighed in irritation and started moving again. “No thanks Andy.” He was going to call the cops on this place. He couldn’t believe the Gotham PD hadn’t busted this place, it was crawling with illegal drugs, underage drinking… 

He sighed again, but then suddenly stopped short in surprise as Andy jumped in front of him and sprayed him in the face with the aerosol can. 

* 

Harley grinned at Joker as she swayed her hips while she took a step back and raised her arms over her head, weaving her body down slowly then back up again in time to the pulse of the music. Joker watched her, licking his lips as Harley spun slowly around and began to slowly strip her gloves off. She turned to face him, catching the fingers of her glove with her teeth, her lips pulled back in a gorgeous, sexy smile. Joker watched intently while she weaved her hips and tugged just a little on her gloves with her teeth before pulling the glove off her arm. 

Joker felt his body react with animal intensity to the reveal of her bare arms, the water running down her pale skin. She repeated the same actions to remove the other glove, Joker watched her hypnotized by each move she made. His groin ached as he watched her spin around, her back to him as she slowly raised her now bare arms, her hips weaving back and forth in her torn skirt and leggings. 

Harley turned back around to face him, that same sexy smile on her lips that made heat rush to his erection. She raised her arms, undulating her body slowly back and forth, her blue eyes sparkling with mischief. 

He smirked at her and held a hand up to her, wiggling his fingers in his gloves to draw her attention. He moved slowly, weaving his own hips, grabbing Harley’s complete attention. 

Harley stopped her own dancing, only moving her hips a little as she focused on her puddin. Joker was a fantastic dancer; it was one of the many, many things she loved about him. If he wasn’t a criminally insane, murderous clown, she was sure he could have been a real, professional dancer. The way he could move with such beauty and grace, giving himself over fully to dancing always amazed and delighted her. 

Joker spun around slowly, somehow being in beat with the music while moving to his own rhythm. Harley felt her breath catch, watching him, the way his green hair, now damp, curled around his forehead and ears. She stared with wonder as the water ran down his throat and along his bare chest. The fact that he still had his shirt and vest on, just now completely open, was so sexy that 

Harley felt her groin tighten while her eyes traveled down his chest, to his stomach, to his groin and back up again. She wanted to run her hands all over him, to feel her fingers caressing over his damp skin, but right now watching him was making that ache throb. 

Joker spun around once in a graceful spin, stopping to face her again and caught the gloved fingers of one hand with his teeth. He waggled his eyebrows at her as he pulled his glove free with his teeth--just as she had done--his hand slipping free revealing his long, slender fingers. 

Harley made a soft groan that was lost in the crush of the other noise in the warehouse. Heat rushed through her body, watching Joker pull his other glove free. She found his fingers sexy. Was that weird, she wondered briefly, but he was removing his other glove, dropping it to the floor to be lost with his jacket, and she didn’t care. She just wanted to feel those long, graceful fingers on her skin. 

Her breath was ragged as she watched drops of water run down his bare chest and along his stomach until the drops hit the edge of his slacks where they were soaked up by the reddish orange fabric. 

Harley swallowed, her eyes slowly traveling back up to his face. 

Joker reached for her hands, pulling her close, his thigh once more slipping between her legs. The music thudded out a sensual beat as Joker slid his hands up Harley’s back. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, gently grinding against his thigh, her hips moving in an erotic twist back and forth, her tongue licking the water from his jaw. 

Joker made a soft, almost pained groan when her hot tongue touched the cool skin along his jaw. His eyes fluttered shut as Harley licked a line to his ear, her teeth catching his ear lobe. He quickly found the tie around her neck that held the halter top part of her dress in place. He tugged until the ties came loose. 

Harley purred when she felt the fabric give, followed by Joker finding the zipper and slowly, dragging it down her back. She licked his ear in response. 

The top fell away, leaving her bare breasted, but with a couple of sparkling pasties over her nipples in the shapes of red and black diamonds. He hissed in response to seeing her full breasts, now wet from the mist, the blue light flashing over her cream colored skin. 

He giggled huskily and murmured. “Party favors!” 

He dropped his hands to her breasts, cupping them for a moment, squeezing gently before he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. 

The vibration of her purr rippled over him when she pressed her breasts against his bare chest. The light danced off the water that ran down her neck, making Harley sparkle in the shades of blue, flashing light. The drops of water that glittered on her skin traveled down to the hollow of her throat, continuing down between her breasts. He grinned, leaning in to run his tongue along her throat, tasting a mix of water and sweetness that was all Harley. 

* 

There was a soft beep that came from Bob’s phone, though neither Bob nor Frost could hear it over the sounds of the party. It was lucky for them both that the tracking also had a soft pulsing light that indicated where the device was on the phone’s map. It was a little difficult while in this space since the phone didn’t have a map of the warehouse, but after a few minutes of pushing their way through the ocean of bodies, Bob stopped short. 

Frost frowned looking down at the phone with him. The GPS tracking indicated that they were right on top of the Boss and Miss Quinn, except, when Frost looked around, he didn’t see them anywhere. 

He was about to tell Bob as much when the big man suddenly dropped down, coming back up quickly, holding a suit jacket. Frost sighed. It was one of the Boss’s jackets, he could tell by the cut of it and the color (even though it wasn’t the Boss’s favored purple color, it was still flamboyant enough to belong to the Boss.) 

Bob shoved his hand into the pockets, searching all of them until he came up with the small tracking device inside an inner pocket. 

Frost groaned. “Fuck.” 

He looked around, trying to see over the heads of the sea of moving, wet bodies, but he didn’t see anything. He figured the Boss and Miss Quinn had to still be in here if the Boss’s coat was, because Joker wouldn’t take his coat off unless... 

“Fuck,” Frost muttered again. 

* 

The images in front of him wavered and twisted. The colors were bright, like the colors from a cartoon. 

“Ain’t it great man? Everything looks so much better doesn't it?” Andy’s voice sounded like it was coming from underwater. 

Batman snarled and grabbed Andy by his throat, yanking the younger man closer. “What was in that?” 

“Chill man, chill!!” The young man threw his hands up. 

Batman snarled tightening his grip a fraction. “What is in it?!” 

Andy looked confused. “In the Honey?” 

“YES!” Batman snarled squeezing Andy’s throat just a little to emphasize that he wasn’t playing around, that he was serious. 

Andy shrugged. “I don’t know man, I ain’t a chemist.” 

Batman growled and released Andy sending the young man stumbling into some of the other dancers. He was resistant to many drugs and gases, but even with his resistance, he couldn’t account for everything, especially all the new and changing party drugs. The only thing he could hope for was that the drug would work through his system quickly. If he was to take a guess, he would say that the drug Honey’s high didn’t last long, thus the aerosol cans for distribution, allowing the user to spray themselves as needed. 

He would just have to fight it off. 

Batman shoved Andy away and turned when he stopped for a second. In the distance, his back to him, Batman saw a man with green hair, his arms around a woman that Batman couldn’t see. 

Batman sneered and hissed. “Joker.” 

* 

Joker moved Harley back and forth, his hands on her back, in time with the beat that drummed through the air. He raised his leg between hers as she moved with him, weaving and grinding in a sensual curve. She was so beautiful, he thought watching her, so sensual and so erotic. His hands slid up her back, caressing the curve of her spine, tracing the flow of her ribs, then slowly back down to her waist. 

He held her at her waist as they twisted around, ignoring anyone and everyone around them; as far as they were concerned, they were alone. Harley stayed close, twisting her body back and forth slowly, the lights dancing off her wet, naked breasts in a way that Joker found intoxicating. Harley’s hands slid down over his bare chest, then lower, down along his flat stomach tracing the muscles there and making him twitch. She lifted her leg, sliding it along his hip before she ground herself on his thigh again. 

“Ticklish?” She asked, continuing to stroke his stomach. 

The smile that spread across his face made Harley’s blood burn with desire as he leaned close and hissed against her ear. “Very.” 

She started to slowly push him back, fingers against his bare chest, forcing Joker to walk backwards, weaving him through the crowd who ignored them, lost in their own sensual, drug enhanced dancing. 

Harley continued to force Joker back until he came up against a wall or a pillar, she wasn't certain because she couldn’t quite see whatever it was, but she didn't care. It was a solid surface and that was all she needed. 

Once Joker’s back had come up against the wall, her groin ached and her clitoris pulsed with the music as she gazed down his bare chest. Somehow, having his shirt and gun holster on, his shirt completely unbuttoned was even sexier than if he had removed his shirt. She licked her lips with a smile before she dropped down into crouch in front of him. She gave him a mischievous grin before she leaned forward, staring at the band of his slacks. She could see his erection, a hard bulge in his pants and when she leaned close, she could feel the heat radiating from him. She didn’t touch his erection, but instead she ran the flat of her tongue up from the edge of his pants, along his ticklish stomach, traced his belly button before she continued to drag her tongue to the middle of his chest. 

She continued, licking the droplets of water along the front slope of his throat, forcing his head back before she dragged her tongue over his adams apple and across his chin. She captured his mouth in a deep, knee weakening kiss, her tongue teasing his in a slow, sensual dance that forced Joker to press his hands against the wall behind him or fall to his knees. 

Joker groaned softly against her mouth, returning her kiss with passionate abandon. He reached for Harley again, pulling her against him. 

She pressed herself against him, dragging her tongue along his mouth, moving her hips in a slow undulation against him. Joker growled with pleasure, reaching around for the zipper of her torn skirt. She smirked at him, rubbing her nose against his at the same time her lips caressed his mouth, her eyes glowing in the blue lights. Joker grasped the zipper, dragging it down over her rear slowly. Once he had the zipper down, he gently peeled the sides of her skirt away and shoved the remains of the skirt down her hips. 

Harley took a step back from him, causing Joker to growl with disappointment and a little bit of annoyance, but he was quickly distracted as she did a little shimmy out of her skirt, letting the fabric drop to the floor for Joker to see that she didn’t actually have leggings on; she was wearing black and red hose held in place by a red garter belt and wearing a pair of matching lack panties, one side black, the other red. 

Joker smirked, gazing at her while she did a little weaving of her hips, slowly dropping down to a crouch, her arm across her bare breasts, the blue flashing lights dancing across her damp skin making the drops of water on her glitter like drops of diamonds on her naked skin. She dropped her arm, exposing the shimmery pasties on her nipples as she grinned at him before weaving back to her feet like a sensual snake. Harley spun around, stopping in front of him, she lifted one leg, catching her ankle with her hand before she bent to the side showing off how limber she was for him. 

She slowly brought her leg down and did a quick shimmy shake of her breasts, the flashing lights dancing off her glittering pasties. 

Joker pressed his lips together as he watched her, his groin aching as his gaze followed her impressive legs stretch, but the breast wiggle made him groan. He focused on a droplet of water that traveled down between her breasts, sliding over her flat stomach until it hit the line of her panties, the fabric soaking up the water. He erection jerked in response. 

Harley winked at him, turning to the side to reach down and slowly drag the tips of her fingers up one leg, slowly coming up to arch her back before turning toward him and shaking her breasts at him again. 

Joker made a little whimper of want. 

* 

The flashing lights combined with the drugs were making Batman’s head spin and his stomach felt as if a tide was rolling in and out. He tried to focus on Joker, he could see the clown dancing. 

He growled, trying to force the drug from his system by sheer force of will, and felt his anger rising. 

Andy was still with him. “Hey man, you see that guy right there? Don’t he have green hair? The Joker has green hair right?” 

Batman hissed. “Be quiet, please.” 

He moved toward the man carefully. He didn’t want to give Joker a chance to escape him again. He came up behind the murderous clown and dropped his hand on Joker’s shoulder like a metal clamp. 

“It’s over Joker,” Batman snarled, his deep voice cutting through the music. “You’re coming with me.” He yanked Joker around only to go completely still as a young woman with short green hair glared up at him. 

“What the fuck?!” she snarled, but before Batman could answer, the young woman slugged him across his face. 

Andy yelped, then laughed loudly. “Oh fuck!! Didn’t see that coming!!” 

He turned to the young green haired woman who was glaring at him. “You fucking slugged the Batman!!” 

The young woman looked confused, glancing at Batman, who hadn’t moved. The fist to his face had done little more than bloody his nose, then back at Andy. “That isn’t the fucking Batman! 

That’s just some creep in a bat costume!” 

Batman sighed. “Yes, I am Batman.” 

The young woman gave him a dirty look and hissed, “Prevert,” before she turned away. 

Batman glanced at Andy. 

Andy broke down into laughter. 

Batman balled his hands into fists resisting the urge to sock Andy in the nose. 

* 

When she edged close to him Joker grabbed Harley aorund her waist, lifting her off her feet, just a little which made her squeal. He spun them around and pressed her back up against the wall, his body pressed against hers. Harley reached up and cupped his face between her hands, kissing him hard, her tongue lavishing against his at the same time she brought one of her legs up around his hip. 

Joker ran his hands down her sides, grabbing at her thigh when she lifted her leg. He caught her tongue gently with his teeth before releasing her and thrusting his tongue into her mouth. He pressed his groin against her, grinding his trapped, swollen member against the lace of her panties. 

Harley hissed against his mouth, her fingers sliding into his green hair. “Puddin...I want you…” 

Joker responded with a low growl in the back of his throat. 

He released her leg, quickly unfastening his trousers. Harley rose up on her toes at the same time that Joker yanked her panties aside, the ripping of material lost in the drumming beat of the music. He slid into Harley, groaning deeply, dropping his forehead against hers for a moment as he spread his legs a little to get a firmer hold on her. A shudder rolled through him, feeling the hot wetness of her surround him and he growled again. 

Harley smiled, gasping, her fingers threading through his hair. He felt so good inside her, so hard. She wanted him to pound her, to make her ccry for mercy, she wanted him to fuck her hard. 

She pulled his head close, her fingers tight in his hair as she licked his ear and whispered. 

“Fuck me until I can’t walk puddin.” 

Joker chuckled, his lips brushing against the side of her mouth. “Whatever my pumpkin needs.” He adjusted his hold on her one leg and lifted her up a little more, grasping her leg hard, his fingers pressing into her skin. He yanked her up, then pressed her hard against the wall again. Harley’s back slid against the wall as he pressed his erection deep into her, holding still for a split second before he started to move, thrusting his hips in hard, firm strokes. He dropped his head against his throat, his hot breath cooling the water that misted her skin. 

Her fingers grasped at his shoulder, pressing her head back against the wall as he thrust into her, his hand sliding down her throat to grasp her rear. She stayed balanced on the toes of one foot gasping for breath. Each time Joker thrust into her, pressing himself as deeply as he could, Harley felt and saw a burst of starlight in front of her eyes. Between the dancing lights of the party, the water and the way Joker kept causing a burst of pleasure that rolled through her like a train, Harley couldn't stop herself from yelling her climax. 

* 

Bob had picked up some...sticks...Frost wasn’t sure what they were, but Bob had bought them from some young lady with rainbow hair (also wearing a tutu, Bob silently appreciating the young woman’s rainbow tutu while she went wild over Bob’s tutu. Frost always found it amazing how the big mute could communicate with anyone), but Bob had given the girl some money and she had given him, he guessed, pixie sticks, though Frost would lay good money down that these were laced with drugs. 

Bob was happily dumping the entire contents of one pixie stick onto his tongue, turning his tongue blue while Frost tried to see if the Boss and Harley were anywhere in this rave, or party, or whatever--he wasn’t really sure what was going on nor did he care. 

He turned around in a circle and stopped, his blood going cold. 

Standing not more than a few feet from him was Batman. 

Frost grabbed Bob’s shoulder and pointed. Bob turned, smiling brightly, but his smile fell when he saw Batman, who seemed to be talking to some kid. 

“That’s not him right?” Frost asked with hope, but Bob shook his head to let Frost know that it was, indeed, the real Batman. 

“Shit!” Frost nearly stomped his foot as he turned away, looking around frantically. “We need to find the Boss and Miss Quinn pronto!” 

He started to move away from Batman to look for the Boss when Bob stopped him. He turned to see Bob watching Batman, his eyes slightly narrowed. The vigilante had moved on and was heading with purpose through the crowd, like a shark that had smelled blood. 

Bob and Frost followed Batman with their eyes, then went further, turning to follow Batman’s intense gaze. That was when they saw the Boss and Miss Quinn clearly having sex up against a wall, completely unaware that Batman was here or that he had spotted them. 

“Shit, shit, shit!” Frosted started to go for his gun, but Bob put his hand up looking like a Buddhist priest telling Frost to silently calm himself. Bob took one of the handful of pixies stixs he had and tore off one end then the other. He held his fingers against one of the open ends and headed off in pursuit of Batman with a confused Frost following close behind. 

* 

The quick, hard strokes forced up Harley and down, the movement sending her over the edge and back again. Joker plunged himself deep inside her with each furious thrust, which had Harley gasping for breath. She was one big orgasm was the only clear thought she could form. Each time Joker stabbed her, pressing himself against her throbbing clitoris, the rubbing, the feel of his hot breath against her skin, his teeth on her shoulder, made her cry out again and again. She held onto her Joker, letting him plough into her and enjoying every moment of it. 

She wasn’t going to be able to walk after this she thought vaguely with a grin on her face. 

Joker was completely focused on Harley, on the feel of her skin in his hands, the curve of her ass, the press of her leg against his hip, the way her damp skin smelled, but especially the way she felt each time he shoved his erection into the waiting warmth and wetness of her. She felt so good, a tremor rolled through him as her body pulled and held him, the wetness, the softness, urging him to thrust harder, faster, his orgasm building higher and higher until he slammed her hard against the wall, pressing his entire body against her, his mouth attacking her as he came with a burst of pleasure that made his knees weak. 

He groaned her name loudly against her mouth. “Harley!” 

She felt him swell inside her, adjust his hold as he pounded her, but when he came, Harley felt a shiver from her core racing up and erupt with a blinding light. 

She cried out loudly. “Puddin!” 

* 

This time Batman knew he had them. One, he could see Joker’s green hair, but two, he could see that ghost white bastard’s ass hanging out of his pants, (which he had seen more times then he cared to recall), but also because this time he could see Harley, nearly naked, sparkling diamond pasties on her nipples, sliding up and down a wall crying out. Both of them were soaked through and having a carnal relationship against the wall for anyone to see. Not that it mattered in here, Batman had the ill fortune to notice; he had already seen more sex acts going on in here than he had probably properly had sex in his life. 

Andy was still walking along beside him, occasionally using the aerosol can to spray the drug in his mouth with a big goofy grin on his face. Andy saw the switch in Batman’s expression. He turned to look and could see what Batman was staring at, a couple of people going at it against the wall. The guy, Andy noticed, had green hair.. 

“Whoa! Those two are going at it pretty hard.” Andy chuckled. “They must really be into the whole love atmosphere for Valentine’s Day ya know? I’m all for public displays of love. I think if more people just fucked in public, the world would be a better place and you wouldn’t have to be, you know, flying around all the time.” Andy grinned. “Yeah, we should all fuck like those monkeys, you know...they got a really funny name, like the Boboos or the Bambos or maybe it’s bimbos…” Andy frowned in thought when Batman added under his breath. 

“They are called Bonobos,” Batman said. “Now get out of my…” 

Suddenly Batman was forced to stop his march toward the clowns when Bob popped up in front of Batman, a pixie stick straw in his mouth held up like a blow gun. 

Batman looked startled and yelled. “BOB!” At the same time his hand moved for one of his batarangs, but Bob was faster and had surprise on his side. Bob blew and a hail of sparkling pink and blue dust hit Batman in the face. 

The spray encompassed Andy as well who laughed. “Oh cool man, pixie love dust.” 

Batman coughed and stumbled backwards, but it was too late; he had inhaled the dust. Andy hurried over to him as Bob disappeared into the crowd. Andy patted Batman’s back, smiling at him. 

“Hey man, don’t fight it. Pixie love dust is way better than Honey. I can’t afford it, so it was cool that your friend got me too.” 

Batman coughed, then choked out. “What does it do?” He stood up straight.”What does it do?” He grabbed Andy by his shoulders, his blue eyes glaring through the mask. 

Andy grinned at him. “Dude, it’s cool, it’s just gonna make you extra horny...and you might hallucinate. So ya know, you should go find someone to ride the high with.” Andy grinned and thrust his hips suggestively before he stopped and stretched his arms over his head. “Hey man if you don’t need me, I’m going to go find myself some sweet chick to ride out my high...see ya Batman.” 

Andy walked off, leaving Batman to groan in frustration as the drug was already making the blue lights flash in ways that the vigilante was certain were impossible shades and shapes. 

* 

Joker slowly lowered Harley back to her feet, though he kept his hold on her, his hands around her waist, his forehead against hers as they both struggled to catch their breath again. 

Harley draped her arms around his shoulders with a happy sigh. “Well, this wasn’t the Valentine’s Day I had hoped for, but the ending was nice.” She giggled softly. 

Joker held her close, nibbling at her ear. “Well, who says it's over?” He waggled his eyebrows at her, his blue eyes bright with promise. 

Harley giggled and was about to say something when Bob, holding Joker’s discarded jacket up, popped up beside them. 

“Bob!” Harley squealed with delight turning toward the big man only to have Bob wrap her up in the jacket. 

Joker looked confused. “Something up Bob? Oh, Frost!” He waved at his right hand man who stood behind Bob. 

“Ah Boss, Batman’s here.” Frost turned looking out into the crowd of dancers. 

Joker blinked, having completely forgotten that Batman was after them. “In here?” 

Frost nodded. “Bob got him with some drugs…” 

Bob held up some of the pixie sticks causing Joker to laugh. “Well, as much as I would love to stay and see how old Batsy gets himself out of his problem…” He glanced at Harley who had properly put on his jacket and was glaring at him. “...I say we head…” He frowned thinking the stink probably wouldn’t be out of their main hideout until at least tomorrow night.... 

“How about we head back to the apartment with the waterbed instead?” He looked to Harley who gave him a bright smile and nod. 

* 

Harley sighed happily snuggling up against Joker’s side. They had a pizza box on the foot of the bed, the pizza inside gone, and were now sharing popcorn and chocolate milk while watching a romantic movie together, one of Joker’s favorites. 

“I do love some Legally Blonde,” Joker cooed, kissing Harley’s hair. 

Harley giggled with a happy, contented smile on her face as she leaned against his bare chest, her arm around his waist. “Me too puddin, me too.”


End file.
